I set up this blog 2 days ago because I wanted to start a journal. Then I changed my mind and never wrote in it. What a mistake. I don't imagine anyone is going to read any of this. If you are, you are probably a.) bored out of your mind or b.) in a similar situation as mine and searching desperately for a way out of it.
So let me start off by telling you this: I am tired. I am tired of everything. I guess you could say I am depressed if there is such a thing. Yes I have all the symptoms and if I were a patient I saw in clinicals, I would probably suggest anti-depressants for myself. I am straddling the fence on that debate... so I will leave this to be continued.
What does this have to do with my eating habits? Well, everything. I know I know, there are biological causes of various eating disorders and we get caught in these cycles of screwed up hormones. I have researched nutrition and eating disorders probably more than anyone who will be reading this. I have seen all the theories, plausible or not, and seen how poor the prognosis is based on medical research. That is because it is mostly a psychological disorder. It is an addiction just like alcoholism and cigarette smoking. It has both psychological and physiological components. You cannot ignore this. Yes, I am rambling... let me get to the point.
I have been addicted to many things. Cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, and even meth. Unlike many people, I did not have to go into detox, rehab, prison, or take medications to walk away from these. As a matter of fact, I never had a bit of trouble letting go of any of these things. I really don't even remember making much effort to walk away. I just decided I didn't want to anymore and didn't do it again. It was that simple.
Now, I am addicted to food. This is different. You can't just walk away from food because you need it to live. Why am I addicted to food? I have no idea. I can tell you how it started with restricting my diet and whatnot, but nearly a year after my first real binging episode, dietary restriction is no longer the cause. I am not starving like I was the first time. I think I have made food such a focus of my life that I have just totally screwed up in my head what food is. It is like some special privilege, and if I have ice cream, I have done something "bad." So, since I am being bad, I might as well eat the whole carton. But since I am so much like an alcoholic, the only feeling I have after eating a carton of ice cream is wanting more ice cream. I do think this is where the biological aspect of this addiction comes in - in the form of insulin resistance. I would explain this, but I will probably be the only one reading this anyway, so no need. If you read this and want to learn more, email me. I will be glad to help you. Fair enough? You see, the alcoholic is fortunate that once he drinks enough alcohol, he will pass out or get really sick. Granted, for the experienced alcoholic, this takes a tremendous amount of alcohol, but it does still happen. You see, I can get in this cycle of eat ice cream, eat more ice cream, get sick, wait a couple of hours, blood sugar drops, need something sweet, eat more ice cream and it is like a hamster on a wheel.
Here's the real kicker. In 3 months I will look like a bikini model. It's true. That is why I started the journal. Because even though I have had a normal breakfast, then a couple of extra bananas, a couple of popsicles, a carton of ice cream, 4-5 pieces of cinnamon toast and a couple of pancakes (and it's not even noon), I have goals and I will accomplish them. What good is the journal going to do? Accountability. This is very important. I am accountable to myself and any potential readers. I wanted to share my eating addiction with others and not be embarrassed about it because one day it will be something to laugh about. It will also be another on the list of addictions that I kicked, and the one I will be the most proud of because I did have to put effort into this. And guess what, this will be a valuable source of information for others some day. I want to be an inspiration so that I can provide a vicarious experience for others.
Here is where I can pull my experience from those old addictions and put that knowledge to good use. You see, had I sat around and said "I can't smoke" "no matter what you do, don't smoke" I would have been miserable. All I would have been thinking about is smoking. I changed from the inside out. You see, I began to see smoking for the disgusting thing that it was. I changed my perspective about it if you will. That's why even after I decided to quit, I was able to sit around my friends who smoked and not light up with them. When I saw drugs and alcohol for the destructive substances for what they were, I had no problem walking away. It was not some big effort to change my environment, but it happened. You see, humans like to be around those who are like them. I no longer wanted to be around people with destructive habits, but they also did not want to be around me because I was no longer like them. Yes, I am rambling again. If I ever really publish this I will edit it.
So, basically, I am in need of a paradigm shift when it comes to food. My bikini model goals will be of a big help to support this. Because honestly, I don't think I would care what I ate if I didn't care what I looked like. Sure no one wants to be fat and unhealthy. But I honestly don't care about my health - I just want to be thin. Caring about my health would probably be of big support for me here, but I am just trying to be honest with myself. Eating for fat loss and eating for health are not one in the same, but they most definitely support each other. Eating a healthy diet makes fat loss easier and more rewarding. I will also feel better because cutting sugars from my diet will eliminate the constant blood sugar spikes and help tremendously with my insulin sensitivity. Eating fibrous vegetables gives me the most nourishment with the least amount of calories and I will feel better eating these.
So, I have my plan mapped out of paper. I am not going to share it because different things work for different people. If you are thinking of beginning a diet and training program, you should consult with a dietician and a certified personal trainer. My plan will work for me. My first official weigh-in is this Sunday. I am trying to adjust my food tastes back to preferring vegetables and real meals over grazing on junk food. I am going to cook real meals that I can enjoy and have an eating plan to follow. Is this extreme? Not really. It is what I choose to do. I will be journaling about this every day, even if it is brief. Feel free to hop on and follow me on my amazing journey!
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